Loving in Heaven and Earth Page 9

  "It's not your fault if she hasn't had a child."

  "How can you be sure of that?" he asked. "The healers had no more answers for us than they had answers for how to give you ears that hear. Our knowledge is broken and limited." He sighed again. His shoulders drooped, the posture of a man exhausted from carrying a weight too great to bear. "I'm not sure it isn't my fault. I'm not sure of anything. I'm not sure I should have ever built a city. Not sure I should have left there. Not sure I should have promised her a baby. Not sure of where we're going now. Tell me how to be sure, Jax. Tell me how anyone is certain of anything, ever."

  I had no answer.

  His eyes moved back to the window. Darkness had drawn a veil across the glass, and his own reflection, pale and ghostly, stared back at him.

  I let my eyes move over his body. He was tall, and strong, and handsome. Much more so than the white-haired fairy king. He was gentle, and kind, and good. I couldn't begin to compare him to the foul, brutal men of my village.

  A certainty like I'd never before known gripped me.

  There was something I was sure of.

  I was sure I could give them the one thing that would keep them together.

  Twelve

  I waited that night for Risa to return, not certain she would, but near midnight the door opened, mingling the brighter light of the hall with the flicker of the single candle in our room for just a moment. When she'd come in and closed the door behind her, I turned my back on them. Whatever they would say to each other, I didn't want to know.

  The next morning, she told us what she'd learned at dinner. Distrust between the Fae and humans stretched back far longer than anyone could remember, but a year or so ago the settlement to the north came into Fae territory and began drilling for minerals they considered necessary to their progress. The water supply was dirtied, and a large portion of forest was destroyed, creating unbalance in the ecosystem. A raiding party was sent to drive the invaders out before the damage became irreparable. There was a scuffle, and a child of the human governor had been killed.

  The man sent word, declaring war and promising to bring down the wrath of the Creator upon the Fae. He claimed his people had been doing nothing more than what was necessary for their survival, and the Fae had slaughtered his child out of pure evil that must be eradicated.

  Outraged by the insult, and by the notion that the Creator would be on the side of the humans who were acting so carelessly toward creation, the Fae began to form a proper army.

  A handful of skirmishes had been launched, including the one against The Compound. It was well known that the researchers there were developing weapons of iron--a metal invariably lethal to the Fae.

  "We should leave this place before true war breaks out," Hala said. "This is not our battle to fight."

  "Are you afraid?" Risa asked, one eyebrow raised.

  Hala answered quickly, his chin held high. "Yes. I am afraid of war. I want no part of it."

  "The man I matched with feared nothing. What happened?"

  "He learned some hard lessons and grew wiser."

  I curled my knees against my chest, wishing I could make myself invisible. I didn't want to witness this. But I wasn't invisible, and Risa turned to me. "You come from warriors. Are you afraid as well?"

  I bit my lip. I had no desire to be part of their argument, but I knew exactly how I felt about her question. Hesitantly, I told her, "It is because I come from warriors that I fear war above most anything else. I have seen too much blood shed."

  She looked between us. "Some causes are worth the shedding of blood."

  "Maybe," Hala conceded, "but not this one. What are they even fighting over, really? A bit of land, unoccupied by either? Let it go, Risa. Let us move on from this place."

  "These are my people, Hala. They have no technology to speak of. If they aren't careful, they're going to be killed by the humans."

  "I thought we were your people," he said. She rolled her eyes and started getting dressed. If their conversation continued, I wasn't aware of it. I focused my attention on Wolf. When I looked up again, Risa was gone. Hala said she was with the king. He told me he needed to take a walk and get some fresh air.

  I was alone.

  I thought of the idea that had come to me the night before, and I knew I would do it. I just had to wait for the right moment.

  ~*~

  The servant brought lavish food that Hala and I ate together. I suspected he didn't taste it any more than I did. We ate for nourishment, not pleasure.

  After lunch we walked through the city and, though no one challenged us, there was a tension in the air that I recognized all too well. Fear strode the streets here as surely as we did. Her companion, hatred, walked at her side.

  When we returned to our room, dinner had been left for us, but Risa was not there. She didn't come back that night. Hala stayed on the bench near the window, staring into the night.

  In the morning, I stood before him and said, "I'm going to find her."

  "You should leave her be, Jax. This is where she wants to be. We should probably just move on."

  He looked so sad and broken that the urge to reach out and press my palm against his cheek, to run a hand over his hair, to pull his head against my chest and comfort him, welled up in me.

  I stepped away.

  "I will find her," I said again, and turned away before he could answer.

  For half an hour I wandered the immense building. I found a room full of plants and another where seeds were catalogued in thousands of little drawers. I passed through the kitchens and climbed staircases that spiraled upward into towers where long tubes stood on spindly, three-legged stands before immense windows. A young man, my height with shimmering wings on his back, pressed his eye to one intently. Curious, I did the same and marveled at the wonder of this magic.

  Looking through the tube, I could count the leaves on a tree in the valley a mile away! I spent longer than I should have looking at nothing in particular from that tower.

  I caught a glimpse of a man with long black hair walking away from the city toward the south. For a moment, I was certain it was Hala, leaving us behind to pursue his vision. Closer inspection showed the man was thinner, not as broad at the shoulder. His gait was different from Hala's.

  Relief flooded through me, urgency following close behind. I had to talk to Risa. My feet flew down the stone steps and along the dim corridors.

  I found her with the king, looking over a map spread across a large table.

  She smiled at me when I came in.

  Anger burned in my gut. I saw his hand at her waist, the way he leaned in toward her. She was a fool. She'd risk losing Hala over this greedy, pampered, man-child? She didn't deserve Hala.

  A moment's doubt troubled my mind, before I imagined how broken Hala would be without her. He'd suffered too much loss. I wouldn't let him suffer this as well. Not when I had the power to stop it.

  "Hala must be looking for me," Risa said to the king.

  "Let him look," he replied, pulling her closer against him and pressing a kiss to her throat.

  A knife lay on the table. He had no idea what I was capable of. My hands trembled.

  Risa protested with a giggle, pulling away from him. "I'll be back, Kalen."

  He smacked her bottom as she walked away, and she turned to say something I couldn't see. He laughed at her comment. My eyes flicked to the knife a second time, but then Risa was at my side, her arm around my shoulders, guiding me back into the hall.

  She glanced to see if anyone was near before asking me, "What is it? Why did you come down here?"

  "Why are you down here?" I asked her in return.

  She sighed, tilting her head to one side in a manner that struck me as condescending. "You're very young. You can't possibly understand…"

  "I do understand," I said. "Maybe better than you. You made a vow to be with Hala, always. He has lost every good thing in his world, and now you're walking away from him, too. If you d
on't care that you're destroying his spirit, you never deserved him at all. "Taking my hand, she led me to a room full of beautiful paintings. She sat next to me on a long bench that was the only furniture.

  "Hala lost nothing. He walked away from everything. And you really are young, Jax."

  I lifted my hands to reply again, but she covered them with her own. "Wait," she said. "Hear me out, please."

  I waited, knowing my narrowed gaze and clenched teeth spoke volumes. Words were not always necessary.

  "I do love Hala. I never knew I was capable of loving the way I love him. Not only that, but I love myself more when I am with him." She shifted, picking imaginary lint from the long green Faerie-style dress she wore. "He and I have been together for a very long time. We've been through so much. You can't even imagine. There comes a point when a person just doesn't have the strength to keep rising above failed expectations."

  "Is this because he's no longer a leader? Are you only interested in kings and men of power?"

  She waved the comment away as if it were nonsense. "Hala was a good leader. He takes too much of the blame for what happened on his own shoulders."

  "Then it's the baby," I said. My heart hammered in my chest. Am I really going to do this? I thought of the way it felt to see the man walking away, believing that Hala had left us behind, tearing our little family apart, and I knew I would do absolutely anything. I'd pay any price to keep us together and happy.

  Her eyes widened. "He told you about that?"

  I nodded.

  She blinked slowly. A single tear fell from the corner of her eye.

  "If Hala can't give you a baby, you think maybe Kalen can?"

  She stood and turned away from me. I could see her shoulders shaking, and I waited. Finally, she turned back to me. "A child… in Faerie, there is no greater honor than to be a mother. For decades my only dream was to be the mother of Hala's child. He told me he'd had a vision. A dark-haired boy with a Gift for leadership. The child would change the world. He'd bring a new dawn to civilization. But here we are. If a baby was coming, he would have come by now. How long can I wait? I age more slowly than some, perhaps, but I will not be young forever. The time will come when…" Tears spilled from her eyes again. She wiped them away with her long, elegant fingers as she walked away from me to the other side of the room.

  "Is it not enough to be matched to such a man as Hala?" I asked.

  "I thought it was," she said. "For a very long time."

  I took a slow deep breath and raised my hands, moving slowly and deliberately. "I will give you a child."

  She said nothing, but stared at me with her mouth slightly open. She glanced at the door, and I was suddenly sure that she was weighing the chance of motherhood with Kalen against raising Hala's child whom she had not borne herself.

  Tears pricking my own eyes, I made a choice. Before I had time to second-guess myself, I let the warmth of intention grow in my core and, on my exhale, it released. I watched it settle on her, saw the peace of certainty veil over her eyes, the resolve. "You would do that for us?"

  "I would."

  "You would… a child…" She returned to the bench once more, sinking down as if her legs couldn't quite support her.

  "It would be your child in every way, except that I would carry it for you. Once it was born, you would be a mother."

  "Hala will never agree to this."

  "He will," I said, and I was absolutely certain it was true. He would give her anything she wanted. "We can convince him. Babies are women's business. He'll go along with whatever we decide. But we have to leave here, Risa. We can't keep so many secrets in a place like this, and we can't bring a baby into a war."

  She nodded, wiping vaguely at her tears again. "You're a miracle, Jax. You're my miracle."

  I forced a little smile for her, fighting to push down the beast of guilt that nipped at my heart.

  "I will go find him. I'll make everything right again, and I'll tell him. But maybe not right away. We'll tell him after we've left here, when the timing is better. Maybe by then he'll have found the place we're meant to settle."

  "Go. I'll take a walk and give you some time with him."

  She pulled me into an embrace and then backed away. Holding my head gently and looking straight into my eyes she said, "Thank you, Jax. Thank you. You've changed everything."

  She ran from the room, and I remained on the bench. The world oddly tilted beneath me. For better or worse, what she said was true. I had changed everything.

  ~*~

  I managed to entertain myself wandering around the city for the rest of the morning. When the sun was straight above me in the sky, I returned to the palace and knocked on the door to our room. Risa opened it and grinned at me. Her eyes were puffy and her cheeks tear-streaked, but she glowed with her joy. "Why are you knocking, silly girl? This is your room, too." She stood aside, and I entered.

  Hala sat on the bed they shared in nothing but the loose, beige pants he'd always worn in his own city. My eyes took in the cut of the muscles across his chest, the flex of his arm, the curve of his hip where it disappeared into the fabric. Heat burned my cheeks. I'd agreed to have a baby with Hala: to make a baby with Hala. A tightness formed in my belly that wasn't entirely unpleasant, and my cheeks burned even hotter.

  He waved to get my attention. He was laughing at me. "What in the world has gotten into you?"

  I shrugged, glancing at Risa.

  Hala stood and lifted my chin so I was looking at him. "My woman won't tell me what you said to her, but whatever it was… I thank you."

  "We are a family again?" I asked.

  "Thanks to you," he said, letting go of my chin to ruffle my hair.

  "Hala and I were just discussing what to tell Kalen. He's not going to be happy," Risa said, but even as the words formed on her lips, her eyes widened. The smile disappeared.

  I followed her gaze to see the King of New Faerie standing in our doorway. "Why wouldn't I be happy, my Darling? What could you possibly tell me that would ruin my mood after the night we spent together?"

  In the corner of my vision, I saw Hala's body go rigid.

  "No one will answer the king?" He settled his gaze on me. "Obviously the dumb child will say nothing."

  He moved on to Hala. "How about you, demon? What have you to say to me?"

  Hala stood, still and silent, the muscle in his jaw jumping, his breath coming in long, slow inhales and exhales.

  "Nothing? Risa, speak the truth to me now," Kalen said.

  She knelt to the floor in front of him. I couldn't see her face at all, but the pale skin of his face turned dark, giving him a mottled, feverish appearance. "I have killed men for less," he said through clenched teeth.

  His eyes flicked to me, to Hala, to Risa, to Hala again. He could kill Risa and me, but could he do it before Hala killed him? He must have decided that he could not. "Get out of my kingdom, daughter of Eglantine, and never have me see your filthy lying face again." He shook with rage, and I saw the eyes of my own father in his. I knew what he was going to do. As Risa rose, his arm drew back. I saw it in slow motion. I threw myself between them, and the slap slammed into my side. The blow would have broken her nose. Maybe even her jaw. Hala was there, then, throwing the king into the hall, pinning him to the wall. Guards came from nowhere.

  Kalen must have said something. The soldiers stopped where they were, and Hala stepped back, releasing the front of the King's shirt. Kalen's dark eyes narrowed on Risa. "Take the demon and the mute with you and be gone within the hour, or I swear on all of New Faerie I will muster my entire army, if that's what it takes, to kill you both. I will tie the demon with chains and leave him at the bottom of the river where he can drown for eternity."

  He turned to Hala once more. "Next time you're with her, remember who else has been there, and remember that she convinced you to lie to a king to make it happen." He sneered. "Have a happy life together." He turned and disappeared, the guards following close behind him.r />
  Risa still knelt on the floor, clinging to me. Hala stood without moving for a long moment before coming to us and helping us both to our feet. "Are you hurt?" he asked.

  I promised him I was fine. I would have a nasty bruise, but I'd experienced far worse. It would heal. I found Wolf, cowering under the table, and tucked him into the sling on my chest. We had our bags packed and were gone from the castle in minutes.

  By the end of that day, the walled city on the hill was out of sight, and we were three travelers in the wilderness again. Nothing had changed, and yet everything was different.

  Thirteen

  There were little settlements scattered among the hills; three or four families in each, working together to carve out a space in the world. In Hala's city, there'd been few, if any, pure humans. There were some who appeared human and some who were noticeably other. It was a chaotic mixture that resulted in a Gifted people.

  These people were more like those I grew up with. They were no strangers to the gods, but they were human, or mostly so. The forests were filled with sprites, and spirits, and little people with huge eyes who only came out at night and did not speak to us, ever. But the humans and those who were not human were, for the most part, separate.

  In one village we met a woman with sparkling wings growing from her shoulder blades. Her eyes were white and blind. She was kept in a locked cage and we were told she had the power to see our future if we put our hand between the bars for her to touch.

  In another, the people fell at our feet in worship, begging favors from us that we had no way to give; rain, plentiful game, for a barren woman to be healed. Risa walked away from them without a word.

  Who could blame those whom Hala called other from keeping their heritage a secret? Our differences had brought us only trouble, and that seemed to be the norm everywhere we went.

  ~*~